


I Never Wanted to Love You

by beautifulboimckinley



Category: The Book of Mormon - Parker/Stone/Lopez
Genre: M/M, Soulmate AU, i spent a while on this and it's Bad, if you read the whole thing i applaud you because it's horrible, naba is so precious and i lov her, wrote on a train ride lmao
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-15
Updated: 2017-07-15
Packaged: 2018-12-02 13:34:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11510487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beautifulboimckinley/pseuds/beautifulboimckinley
Summary: Kevin Price's soulmate isn't at all how he imagined.





	I Never Wanted to Love You

**Author's Note:**

> this idea is credit to @detunedmidnightradio on insta!

Everyone made out the whole soulmate thing to be beautiful and dreamy and life-changing, but as Kevin got old enough to be able to notice his soulmate's thoughts, all they were useful for was as a pastime. They never really revealed much about her personality or looks or where she lived or what church she went to, as his parents had promised they would. "It'll be easy," they said, "she's probably a very nice girl and you might even already know her!" But his soulmate's brain was repetitive and confusing as heck, and he just felt a little bit - well, he didn't want to say ripped off, but - the whole thing just didn't turn out to be as cool as everyone said it was, but it wasn't like Kevin really cared. The thoughts didn't matter, and neither did romance.

Anyway, her thoughts were things like shopping lists and budgeting and hymns instead of the facts and feelings that Kevin had hoped for, and all Kevin could say for sure about his soulmate is that she was a Mormon. And that's only because he heard her praying. He sometimes wished that he didn't have to choose to hear her brain, so he could get to know her a little bit better. 

Occasionally he'd think things like "Hi, I'm Kevin", hoping to get a response, but it was to no avail. So eventually, after years of nothing but lists and prayers and once in a while, a joke, he stopped focusing on his elusive soulmate and instead focused on his mission and pleasing his family and Heavenly Father, tasks which he assured himself were more important than romance. For years he didn't even take one second to listen to the thoughts. Whenever he felt the urge to do so, he replaced it with his favorite hymn. And for that first few days in Uganda, his mind was so stuffed with caffeine and confusion and bitterness and how Elder Cunningham was the real hero and how Elder McKinley had really pretty eyes that those urges were replaced with existential dread. 

But a couple days after the storm that was Kevin's arrival had ceased, Arnold and Naba discovered that they were soulmates, and that started the cycle all over again. Kevin Price was again almost childishly determined to find the owner of those mysterious thoughts. And because he was Kevin and what he lacked in organization he made up for in ambition, he didn't really have a plan except to listen to the stream of consciousness whenever he could. 

During Arnold's services, he heard numbers and foods being listed and dress codes and rules being chided. His soulmate must be so productive! And when he filed laundry and dusted furniture he heard promises and prayers - what a faithful woman, he smiled. He wondered if he'd be able to tell it was her at first sight, or if it would have to be pieced together like a puzzle. He wondered if she was a brunette or a blonde, if her laugh sounded more like bells or a bubbling brook, if she was calm and collected or frantic but smart in a charming way. Most of all he just wanted to know who the heck she was, though, and that's the one that kept him awake at night. What if she was DEAD, somehow, on a fluke? Where was she? What was her freaking name, for Heavenly Father's sake? 

After about a week of this constant focusing and tuning in and trying in vain to fit together puzzle pieces at night, he finally got something. He also dropped a plate. 

Kevin had been assigned to wash the dishes that day - definitely not a preferred chore, but better than cleaning the toilets. There was something calming in the methodical water, soap, dry, repeat, though, so he found it pretty easy to clear his head as the lemon-scented dish soap bubbled and mixed with the jet of water from the faucet. He chuckled to himself a little bit as he fiddled with the knobs in his brain, eventually figuring out the frequency that he found most interesting. To his dismay, the thoughts were the usual things, things like "what should I make for dinner" and "gosh, it's hot in here". Well, until it happened. 

And then it happened and Kevin lost control of his arms and his head and his mind went blank and the white ceramic plate crashed on the ground and cracked into a billion pieces. 

"Turn it off, McKinley, his eyes are NOT gorgeous, goshdarnit - ", said the voice. And this time it wasn't soft or boring or repetitive, it cut through his head like a hot knife. Everything turned white. 

Kevin never really figured out if he passed out or just lost his mind for a few minutes. All he knew is that he came to in his bed sweating heavily with Elder McKinley holding a cold towel to his head, whispering things like, "Kevin, Kevin, are you ok, what happened, oh gosh," and looking awfully nervous. 

And when Kevin finally opened his eyes, Connor sighed audibly, and when he asked what happened, Kevin squirmed. 

"Did you know?" The district leader cocked his head at the question and, to be completely honest, looked like an adorable confused puppy. 

"Did I know what, Elder Price?" Kevin felt his throat get slightly choked up at the question, and he stammered out something along the lines of "d-did you know that you're my soulmate," and Connor blushed scarlet. 

"N-no, I - I didn't know that." Connor's voice shook as he spoke, betraying surprise and confusion. Seeing his nervous state, Kevin realized that he needed to pull himself together and explain the situation to Connor before he cracked open. He took in a deep breath and spoke.

"Well, I was washing the dishes and since I was bored, I decided to listen to my soulmate's thoughts - because I do that when I'm bored, and then - then you thought "turn it off, McKinley, his eyes are NOT gorgeous, goshdarnit -" and I realized it was you and I dropped a plate."

"Oh. So it didn't work." Connor sighed. 

"Turning it off? That never works." At that statement, Connor's eyes watered, and Kevin immediately felt bad about saying it. 

"I really, really wanted it to work." 

"So did I, Elder." And then Connor burst into tears, and at seeing the boy cry and cry, Kevin realized. He realized how much fucking work his life was going to be. His soulmate was a guy. He was gay, he supposed. Or bi. Or whatever. His family would probably disown him, and the church would too, and he'd have to abandon everything. All for his soulmate. 

But then he realized something else. He realized that he didn't have to wonder anymore. He realized that he wouldn't stay up at night wondering who his soulmate was and why he would love her. Because he knew that he already loved Connor McKinley. 

And then he realized that that plate was broken beyond repair. That was the least of his worries. 

Tentatively, he wrapped his arms around Connor and let him cry into his chest, and as Kevin watched the boy sob, he noticed the tears rolling down his own cheeks. And he wasn't positive if they were tears of happiness or sorrow. 

As the two boys held each other tight, Kevin remembered a song. Connor had played it for him from a simple MP3 player that he had brought to his mission, filled to the brim with cast recordings. "I never wanted to love you," he thought wistfully, "but won't you know I'm not ashamed to have loved you?" And he repeated the verse to himself like a hymn. He didn't know if he was getting the lyrics right or even what musical it was from - but goddamn, did it match that storm of emotions. 

For the first time in what seemed like hours, Connor spoke.

"You remembered that song?" 

"Of course I did, Connor. You played it for me." Kevin smiled. "I guess I should finish the dishes." 

As Kevin tossed and turned in his rickety cot that night, he realized he didn't have anything to keep him awake at night but those eyes like Orlando's sky and those freckles like stars. And then a thought entered his head that wasn't his own: "Turn it off - wait, I guess I don't have to do that anymore, huh, Kev?" He chuckled. This must be how Arnold and Naba felt. 

Lost in love was a common phrase, but now it puzzled him. He felt more found than ever. 

When he woke up, he decided that he wanted to kiss Connor and hug him and hold hands with him. But because he was Kevin Price and his strategy of "go do it without thinking" wouldn't really work for something so important, he first approached Elder Cunningham and asked him how he and Naba first got together, only to get a vague answer that sounded ripped straight out of the Book of Arnold and an inquiry about whether to wear his Star Wars or Lord of the Rings tie. 

So he went to go talk to the only other romantically successful person in all of Kitguli. 

"Hey, Naba?" 

"Yes, Elder Price?" Nabulungi smiled brightly. 

"How did you and Arnold start dating?" At that question, Naba looked confused and let out a small giggle. 

"We started dating because we were soulmates, Elder. You know that!" Kevin sighed. Of course he knew that. 

"Yes, I know, but - how did you like, get together?" Suddenly Naba's face lit up. 

"Oh, Elder Price, have you found your soulmate? That's wonderful!" Upon seeing Kevin's somewhat upset look, her face immediately fell. "What's wrong?" 

"My soulmate is Elder McKinley." 

"He is a wonderful man, Elder. I am sure he will make you happy." Naba put her hand carefully on Kevin's shoulder. 

"Yes," he groaned, "but it's tough with him. And I know I love him - his eyes are like the ocean and his smile is beautiful and his personality is sparkly and bubbly and his laugh is like music - but I don't know when he'll be ready, or when I'll be ready." 

"Well," Naba trailed out in thought, "I guess you should just ask him. After all, that's the only way me and Arnold got together." She clasped her hands together gleefully. "He asked my what my soulmate had just thought and I told him that he was thinking about how Star Wars and Star Trek fans should accept each other's differences and it turns out that's what he was thinking!" Kevin nodded. 

"So you're saying that things will be clearer if I talk to him?" 

"I guess so, Elder. Would you mind if I came over to the Mission Hut to play Scrabble?" 

Kevin and Naba were arguing over whether playing "Eebowai" in Scrabble was saying the Lord's name in vain when Elder McKinley finished his activities and walked through the door. 

Kevin was shoved playfully as Naba whispered "talk to him!", grabbed a spare Book of Arnold, and declared dramatically that she was off to complete her mission duties. It was a nice thing of Naba to do - of course it was. And it would've worked, too, if Kevin hadn't began to get very nervous and decided to chicken out. 

Because Connor had scarcely given him  
a greeting when Kevin offered frantically to join Sister Hatimbi and go door to door to find some new converts. Elder McKinley just awkwardly stared as he grabbed the nearest Book and practically flew out the door alongside Nabulungi. 

As the duo waited for someone to answer the door, Naba looked at Kevin with an icy glare and said, "Why didn't you talk to him, Elder?" 

He grew pale. 

"I couldn't do it!" 

"Well, why not?" She asked. Kevin clutched his Book tighter. 

"Becausewhatifhehatesmeor-" Naba slapped her hand on his mouth and muffled his worried rambling. 

"Elder Price! He does not hate you. You are soulmates. And you said that you realized when you heard him thinking about your eyes! Why on earth would he hate you?" 

"I don't know," he replied with a heavy lilt of sarcasm, "maybe because I ruined the entire mission and abandoned him?" Naba laughed. 

"He still thought you were fucking hot. He told me." 

"WHAT?" 

"Yeah, he was like," she imitated in a badly done American accent, "'O-M-Gosh Naba his eyes are so pretty and his hair is perfect and I'm trying to turn it off what do I dooooo?" Kevin looked around in disbelief. 

"Why were you having this conversion with him?" Naba made a small "pfft" noise. 

"Oh, it's because I thought you were fucking hot also." Kevin began to laugh under his breath, and as Naba joined in with her giggle like chiming bells, the two laughed and laughed until they were both out of breath from cracking up. 

"Ok, I guess if you managed to talk to him about that, I can talk to him."

"Oh, thank god," She sighed in relief, "and remember, if you don't know what to say, just kiss him!" 

Naba knocked again and finally someone opened the door. 

"Get out of my house," grumbled a gruff voice, and the two giddily ran away, laughing while they held their Books of Arnold tight. 

"Well," Naba remarked, "tomorrow is a latter day!" 

"It sure is, huh?" 

Connor and Kevin finally talked again over a game of Connect Four. Or, rather, they tried to talk. Kevin was honestly nervous to even be in the same room as him, and as they sat across from each other and stared intently at the game board, he avoided Connor's gaze. Slowly, he slid a yellow piece in and Connor groaned as he realized he had lost. Kevin took a deep breath. 

"Hey, uh, well -" Connor glanced at him questioningly. "about the - the, you know..." 

"Kev?" 

"Uh -" At a loss for words, Kevin heeded Naba's advice. He again took a shaky breath in, leaned in, and kissed Connor McKinley before he could think about what he was doing. For a second, in shock, Connor was frozen, but Kevin had scarcely began to draw back in shame before he was kissing him back with all the force he could muster. As they drew each other closer, the game was knocked over carelessly and the two were interrupted from their daze when 20 Connect Four tokens clattered on the ground and startled, Connor pulled away. 

"Shit." Kevin's eyes widened as he realized what he had done. 

"Kevin -" Connor cried out, more weakly than he had perhaps hoped, but Price ignored the call and quickly mumbled, "I have to go." 

Kevin ran to his room without saying another word. 

Neither of them cleaned up Connect Four. 

As Kevin cried into his pillow he realized that this all was awfully cliche. The talking without really talking, the brash kissing, the running away without reason - he didn't watch many rom-coms, but even he knew how easily solved this situation was. Nabulungi had even spelled it out for him, and still he was an idiot who kissed without thinking. Barely three tears, though, had rolled down his cheeks before Arnold opened the door and complained loudly and pointedly about how SOMEBODY didn't clean up the game. 

At the sight of Kevin sobbing, however, he quickly softened his voice. 

"Woah, Kev, what's wrong?" 

Kevin uttered three words that Arnold would not have expected to come out of his mouth, and he immediately regretted saying them. They would later be used against him. 

He said, "I'm an idiot." 

Arnold screamed. 

"Who are you and what have you done with Kevin?" 

"I kissed him, Arnold, I'm a fucking idiot!" The Prophet looked confused and fidgeted with his already loose tie. 

"Who?" Kevin sighed. He hadn't told him, had he? 

"Elder McKinley," he groaned. Arnold's look of confusion only elevated. "apparently he's my soulmate." His mattress squeaked as his companion sat next to him and slung his arm around him tenderly. 

"Wow," Cunningham said, "that's like Han Solo and Princess Leia, or something!" 

"What?" Arnold smiled at Kevin's befuddled look. "They're a happy and cute couple!" At that, Kevin wiped the droplets from his cheeks and allowed himself to smile. 

"Thanks, best friend." The two looked at each other with a sparkle in their eyes and began to sing in tandem. "Tomorrow is a latter day...and I am here for you." Arnold gave his friend a high five and cheered. 

"Now go talk out your feelings!" 

Kevin washed his face, puffed out his chest, and summoned all the courage he had before walking into the living room - only to find that it was empty. Without a soul inhabiting it, he noticed that the room seemed almost painfully desolate. Then he remembered what had gotten him into this mess and tuned into Connor's thoughts. They were so jumbled, though, that Kevin could barely make out a single word. All he heard was "off", "Kevin", and "office" - oh! Connor was in his office, the only room in the hut with a lock on the door. He was probably in a panic, too, and he felt his heart drop at the idea of Connor being as upset as he was before he had talked to his best friend. 

He realized that McKinley didn't have an Arnold. Sure, he had Poptarts, but the pair hadn't gone through close to as much as Price and Cunningham. Kevin could reason that they basically had what Connor would describe as a "Musical Theatre Two-Act Character Arc", and, well, McKinley and Thomas were there for each other, but not in the same way. He doubted that they had a song. 

And if anyone needed someone to be there for them, Connor McKinley definitely did. So Kevin knocked on the locked office door. No answer. He put his ear to the doorframe and heard muffled tears, and he felt his shame inside him like a knife - that was another line that stuck with him from one of Con's showtunes. Why didn't he just suck it up and be a good friend for once? He scrunched his eyes tight and knocked again. 

"Leave me alone!" A voice wracked with sobs echoed through the door. Kevin blinked away tears. 

"Okay." 

In Kitguli, after the sun began to set it was certainly too late to be outside. Kevin ignored this rule (wasn't that kind of his thing now?) and ran outside frantically to try and find Nabulungi. Once he reached her hut, his forehead glistened with sweat and he heaved in and out heavily. 

"Naba! I need to borrow your texting device!" 

Kevin heard some curious rustling noises, a thump, and a shout of "hasa diga!" before the door opened and Naba held out her typewriter. 

"If you break it, I will break your face." She thrusted the machine at him. 

"Thanks?" 

"You are welcome, Elder Price!" She smiled and waved as she reentered her home. Kevin chuckled. At least Naba was on his side, even if God wasn't. 

Back home, his fingers flew across the keys as he typed draft after draft of an apology letter to the district leader. After an hour or so, surrounded by crumpled papers, he finally wrote a letter that seemed right. Connor McKinley's thoughts, he noticed, were clearer now, and he went pale as he remembered that Connor could very well have been listening to the words that he was writing. But his soulmate's brain still went far too quickly for him to decipher, and no reassurance was to be found listening to that radio. 

The reassurance lay in that piece of paper. 

To Kevin's dismay, it was midnight and Connor was still locked in his office. He slipped the text under his door, along with a yellow Connect Four token. A peace offering. After waiting a few minutes with no noise from the room, he supposed McKinley must have been sleeping. He decided to let him rest and retired to him and Arnold's room. 

Arnold snored like a pig, and it didn't ease Kevin's worried insomnia. Eventually, though, the rhythmic snorts from Arnold faded into the background and he began to drift off to sleep. Connor's brain was silent - the whole soulmate deal didn't reveal dreams. 

To put it frankly, Kevin woke up glad that Connor couldn't see his dreams. They weren't dirty or anything - rather, they withheld how deeply in love he was. And that really, really scared Kevin. The two were in Orlando, at DisneyWorld, buying churros and cotton candy and kissing on the ferris wheel. It was like the opposite of a Spooky Mormon Hell Dream - a Calming Atheist Heaven Nightmare. He laughed to himself at that name, blinked a few times to get used to the light, and got dressed and ready for the day. 

He probably spent far too long on his hair. Being in love was annoying sometimes. But when his hair finally swooped the way he wanted it to, and his tie was perfectly straight, he walked into the kitchen. At the jumpiness he felt when he looked at Elder McKinley, he inwardly cringed before sealing his sacrilege with a curt "hasa diga eebowai". 

Connor giggled at seemingly nothing, and Kevin flushed. Did he hear that? 

"Kevin, why are you cursing God on this fine morning?" The other Elders turned their head at Con and stared. "Crap." The table erupted with laughter, and Kevin could've sworn he saw money being passed between companions. Connor stood silent and ashamed until Kevin, too, was taken over by hearty laughs, and the district leader was in hysterics. After the hilarity finally died down, Connor giggled a little bit. It still sounded like the most beautiful symphony to Kevin. 

"So, yeah," Price said and smoothed his shirt. "if you just won a bet, you're welcome." 

"So," Connor said, blushing heavily. "how about the weather?" 

And as he passed everyone a pancake, he paused at Kevin Price's seat. For a second, he didn't do or say anything - he had a thoughtful look in his eyes. It took all the willpower Kevin had not to peek into his thoughts, but out of respect, he controlled his curiosity and waited. 

Suddenly, Connor clasped Kevin's hand firmly, pressed something in his palm, and moved on to give Arnold his breakfast. 

In his hand, McKinley had left a yellow Connect Four token. 

Kevin hoped that Connor was listening as he thought "I'm sorry" loud and clear. 

While he edited Arnold's scripture for hours on end (being the Prophet's companion, that's how he spent most days), all he could think about was the ghost of Connor's touch, and how when he kissed him, his mind felt blank and filled to the brim at the same time, and how his lips felt on his, and how adorable it was when he gasped in shock, and those shimmering aquamarine eyes that seemed to be etched in his head. Connor McKinley was his soulmate. 

He would've been branded a heathen by the church if he still considered himself part of it. For good measure, for the second time that day, he stamped his train of thought with "hasa diga eebowai" and grinned at his pens and highlighters. Then he glanced at the typewriter that lay stagnant in the corner of his eye and mentally noted to thank Sister Hatimbi later. 

He flipped over the piece that still was held in his hand and ran his fingers over the grooves. An inexplicable feeling warmed him as he realized exactly what that token meant. It meant that while neither of them were ready - and they wouldn't be ready for a while - Kevin was forgiven. It was a sort of promise that they would try as hard as they could. It was a symbol of commitment, no matter what that commitment looked like. And it was more beautiful than any ring to Kevin. 

That night, he awoke from his slumber when Connor screamed in his sleep, likely having his nightly Hell Dream, and he realized that this wouldn't be like his parents' story, or like Arnold and Naba's. It would be harder. It would be laced with self hatred and dampened by tears and torn by petty arguments. It would be ripped apart and sewn back together. It would be lit on fire and drenched with cold water. 

Was it worth it? 

Kevin Price pushed that question away and succumbed to sleep. 

A month later, Kevin decided that there had been enough flirtatious looks and enough kind gestures and enough hugs and enough almost-kisses. A month of skirting around obvious feelings was a special brand of torture, one that tugged on his heartstrings until they ached like all hell. So at dinner, he kept the token in his pocket for good luck. And after dinner, he quickly pulled Connor aside and pushed him against the outside wall and kissed him forcefully and passionately, the way he had wanted to since the Connect Four fiasco. As his hands softly held his face, he felt overwhelming warmth and happiness fulfill him that he hadn't felt since he was a little kid and his mother had tucked him into bed with a kiss on the forehead. And when he pulled away for air and saw Connor's messy hair and bright red cheeks and swollen lips and look of elation and surprise, he decided. 

Yes. It most definitely was worth it.


End file.
